Snow White and the Seven Raccoons
by Erin T. Aardvark
Summary: The Raccoons and their friends put on their version of Snow White for their old teacher, Miss Primrose, who's retiring
1. Miss Primrose is Retiring

A typical August afternoon in the Evergreen Forest finds Bert, Cedric, Sophia, and Cedric and Sophia's kids, Forest and Evelyn, on their way to Evergreen Elementary. Forest was going to be starting school in September there, and he was nervous about it. Cedric figured he'd show his son the school beforehand, in an attempt to show him there was nothing to be worried about.

"You'll really like Evergreen Elementary, Forest," he said. "Uncle Ralph, Uncle Bert, Auntie Melissa, and I went to school there."

"Yeah, and we were all in the same class, too!" Bert shouted. "See, back when we were kids, Evergreen Elementary was a one room school house. They expanded it, though, a couple of years before your mom and dad got married."

"Gee, I hope Miss Primrose is still there," Cedric said.

"Yeah, she was the best teacher I ever had!" Bert shouted.

"She was the _only_ teacher you ever had, Bert," Cedric said, with a laugh.

Bert laughed as well, and the foursome went up to the old schoolhouse. It hadn't changed much, except there were more buildings around, which looked a lot like the old schoolhouse.

"I'm glad to see they didn't knock down the old place," Bert commented.

"Yeah, Pop wouldn't allow it," Cedric replied. "He's the one who donated the money for the expansion, you know. He went to school here, too, Forest."

"Mommy, did you go to school here, too?" Forest asked.

"No, I didn't," Sophia said. "I went to an all girls school outside of the forest, in my old hometown. It was my grandfather's idea. He didn't want me or my sisters ending up dating boys like my father."

"Enough said," Bert replied, remembering Lady Baden-Baden's recent Father-Daughter dance.

"Come on," Cedric said. "We'll show you our old classroom!"

The group walked inside the original schoolhouse and looked around. Forest climbed into one of the desks, and sat there.

"That's my old desk, Forest," Cedric said.

"And here's where I used to sit!" Bert shouted, trying to squeeze into the chair. He could barely fit in it.

"Boy," he said, trying to get in. "This thing . . . . is smaller . . . . than I remember!"

"Either that or you're bigger than you thought," Cedric commented, laughing.

"Maybe it's time to cut back on those peanut butter fudge brownies, Bert," Sophia said.

"I'd rather cut off my tail!" Bert shouted.

Cedric and Sophia laughed. Bert got up, and looked around the room.

"Boy this place brings back memories!" he shouted. "Let me tell ya something, little buddy, you're gonna love school! And you're gonna love Miss Primrose!"

"Yeah, she even taught your grandpa, Forest," Cedric said.

"Boy, she must be _really_ old if she was Gampa's teacher!" Forest shouted.

"It's not polite to comment about a woman's age," a voice said from the doorway. "Even if it is true."

"Miss Primrose!" Bert shouted happily. "Boy, it's good to see you!"

"It's good to see you and Cedric, too, Bert," Miss Primrose said, and she slowly came into the room.

"So," she said, pulling out the chair from the front desk and sitting down. "What brings you here?"

"Oh, we're just showing off the old schoolhouse," Bert said.

"Yeah, which reminds me," Cedric said. "Miss Primrose, I'd like you to meet my wife, Sophia, and our kids, Forest and Evelyn."

"Hi, Miss Primrose," Sophia said.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Miss Primrose said. Then she glanced down at Forest, who was hiding behind Cedric's leg. "A little shy, isn't he?"

"Oh, he's just nervous about starting school," Cedric replied.

"Yeah, but he'll get over it!" Bert shouted. "Won't ya, little buddy?"

Forest didn't say anything, and he hid behind Cedric's leg. He jammed his thumb in his mouth and began sucking on it. Cedric and Sophia glanced at each other. They knew Forest only sucked his thumb these days when he was scared, but they had to break him of that habit. Cedric pried Forest off his leg, and gently pulled his thumb out of his mouth.

"Come on, Forest," he said. "There's nothing to be afraid of. I was scared too when I first started school. And so was Uncle Bert, and Uncle Ralph, and Auntie Melissa."

"Yes, even I was a bit scared when I first started teaching," Miss Primrose said. "And when I was transferred to City Collegate, I was scared as well."

"Yeah, but then you came back to Evergreen Elementary," Bert said. "It'll be just like old times, I know it! Let me tell ya, Forest, Miss Primrose will teach you everything you need to know!"

"That would be nice," Miss Primrose said with a sigh. "But I'm afraid it's not possible."

"What?" Bert asked. "Uhhh . . . . how come?"

"I'm retiring," Miss Primrose said.

"Retiring?" Cedric repeated.

"Is the school board forcing you to retire?" Bert asked. "Because if they are . . . ."

"It's not like that, Bert," Miss Primrose said. "I decided myself to retire. I'm not as young as I used to be. I can't keep up with kids these days."

"I'm sure you could," Bert said.

"No, Bert," Miss Primrose said. "I've been feeling a bit run down lately. Forest said so himself. I'm really old. I'm no spring chicken. Most of the time, I feel too tired to even get up in the morning."

Miss Primrose sighed, and stood up. It was then that Bert, Cedric, and Sophia noticed she was walking with a cane. Miss Primrose saw them staring at it, and sighed.

"Arthritis," she explained. "I'll tell you all something, this old gray mare just ain't what she used to be."

"Mommy, what's a mare?" Forest asked.

"A female horse," Sophia said. Forest thought that over.

"You're not an old horse," he said to Miss Primrose. "You're an old goose!"

"Oh Forest!" Sophia shouted. Cedric slapped his hand over his eyes and groaned.

"Sorry, Miss Primrose," he said. "We're still trying to work on his manners."

"It's all right, Cedric," Miss Primrose said, and she slowly made her way towards the door. "Boys will be boys, as they say. He reminds me a lot of your father, actually. He may have been my best math student, but he always had a smart mouth."

"Gee, Miss Primrose, the school won't be the same without you," Bert said.

"Yeah," Cedric agreed. "Aren't you even going to miss this place?"

"Oh yes," Miss Primrose said, nodding. "But I think it's time."

And with that, Miss Primrose left the old schoolhouse. Bert, Cedric, Sophia, and the kids followed shortly afterwards. None of them knew what to say.


	2. Casting Call

At the Raccoondominum, Bert was sitting at the kitchen table, writing a letter to his pen pal in California, Reggie Drake. Ralph and Melissa walked in, and saw the look on his face.

"Why the long face, Bert?" Ralph asked.

"Oh," Bert sighed. "Cedric, Sophia, and I decided to take Forest over to the schoolhouse to look around. He's a little nervous about starting kindergarden, and we thought if he saw what the school looked like, he wouldn't be so nervous about it."

"Didn't he like the old place?" Melissa asked.

"Well, I don't know, really," Bert said. "We saw Miss Primrose and she's . . . . . retiring."

"Miss Primrose retiring?" Ralph repeated, like he couldn't believe it.

"Oh gee, that's too bad," Melissa said. "She was my favorite teacher!"

"She was everyone's favorite teacher," Bert sighed. "I asked her if the school board was forcing her to retire, but she said she made the decision on her own."

Ralph and Melissa looked at each other, and then sat down at the table. Bert continued his letter.

Back at Sneer Mansion, Cedric was telling Cyril about the trip to the schoolhouse.

"So how does the old place look?" Cyril asked.

"It looks great, Pop," Cedric said. "We even saw Miss Primrose."

"You don't seem to happy about that."

"Well . . . . Miss Primrose said she was retiring. She said the old gray mare just ain't what she used to be."

"And I said she wasn't an old horse," Forest said, coming into the room. He climbed up onto Cyril's lap. "She was an old goose."

"You'd better learn to watch your mouth, Forest," Cyril said.

"Daddy said she was your teacher too, Gampa," Forest went on.

"Yes, that she was."

"Gee . . . . she's really, really, really, _really_ ancient! Even ancienter than _you,_ Gampa!"

"What?! Who in the world told you that I was ancient?!"

"Uncle Bert."

"Figures."

"She said she made the decision to retire herself," Cedric said. "Actually, come to think of it, she didn't look too good. She was walking with a cane."

"Maybe it's a good thing she's retiring," Cyril replied.

Cedric nodded, and he sat down to go over the books.

A little while later, the Raccoons (including George, Nicole, Lisa, and Bentley) were over at the Sneer Mansion, talking about Miss Primrose's retirement with Cyril, Cedric, and Sophia. Forest was sitting on Bert's lap.

"I can understand why she's retiring," Ralph said. "She's been a teacher for who knows how long!"

"Yeah, since Pop was in school," Cedric said.

"And we all know how ancient Cyril is," Bert replied.

"Uhh, Bert, I've been meaning to talk to you about that," Cedric said.

"I wonder if anyone's giving her a big send off?" Melissa asked, changing the subject.

"I don't think a lot of people even know she's retiring," George said.

"Then I think maybe we should," Bert said.

"How are we going to do that?" Cedric asked.

"I'll think of something in a minute," Bert said.

As Bert thought it over, Forest jumped out of his lap, and ran out of the room.

"Where's he going?" Cyril asked.

"Beats me," Cedric said with a shrug.

"I've got it!" Bert shouted. "We'll have a party! A surprise party! I love surprise parties!"

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Melissa said. "Remember what happened the last time you threw someone a surprise party?"

"Well . . . ." Bert started.

"Yeah, you nearly gave your great grandfather a heart attack," Ralph pointed out.

"Oh come on!" Bert shouted. "How was I supposed to know?!"

"Bert, your great grandfather is a hundred and two," Ralph said.

"Besides, I don't think Miss Primrose would appreciate something like that," Cedric said.

The group sat around thinking some more, when Forest returned holding a bunch of paper in his hands. He climbed up on Cedric's lap.

"Daddy, I know what to do," he said. "We'll do what they did on TV. Everyone's favorite teacher was tiring, and the characters put on a play for her. Maybe we could do that."

"What play did you have in mind, Forest?" Cedric asked.

"Snow White 'cause we got lots of people for that one," Forest said. "But I wrote my own. It's called Snow White and the Seven Raccoons."

"And you wrote it," Cyril repeated. "How in the world can you write something when you don't even know how to write? You don't even know how to read!"

"Well, maybe I didn't write it," Forest said. "But I drawed it."

"Drew," Lisa corrected. "You drew it."

"That, too," Forest said. "And all of you will be in it. And so will Lloyd-Floyd-Boyd One, and Lloyd-Floyd-Boyd Two. I dunno what Lloyd-Floyd-Boyd Three's gonna do."

"Lloyd-Floyd-Boyd One, Two and Three?" Melissa asked.

"I dunno which one's which," Forest said.

"So we're all in it," Bert said. "Do I get to be the handsome prince?"

"No, Daddy's the handsome prince," Forest said, pulling out a drawing hid did of Cedric, dressed like a prince. He handed it to Bert.

"What?!" Bert shouted. "How come Cedric's the prince?"

"'Cause Mommy's Snow White, see?" Forest said, pulling out another picture he drew, this one of Sophia, dressed as Snow White.

"Awww, come on, Forest," Bert said. "Why can't I be the prince?"

"'Cause it'll screw up my story," Forest said. "It can't be Snow White and the Six Raccoons and One Aardvark. Or Six Raccoons and One Pig. It works 'cause I know seven raccoons."

"He's got you there, Bert," Lisa said.

Forest pulled out another drawing, this one of seven raccoons. Four of them had slightly bent noses. Three of them were girls (one of the girls had a bent nose). One of the straight-nosed raccoons was wearing a doctor's headband with a mirror. Another's face was colored in red. The third had a large grin that took up almost her entire face. The smallest raccoon had an angry expression on his face. One with a bent nose looked like he was sneezing. A third was yawning and she was wearing a night cap. The last of the raccoons had a pointed cap on his head.

"Who's supposed to be who?" George asked looking at the drawing.

"Uncle Ralph is Doc 'cause he's the smartest," Forest said.

"Well, I wouldn't say that," Melissa said.

"Hey!" Ralph retorted.

"And Uncle Bentley is Grumpy 'cause Auntie Lisa said he gets moody a lot," Forest went on.

"Ha, ha, ha," Bentley said, sarcastically, glaring at his sister.

"And Mr. Raccoon is Sneezy," Forest went on. "And Mrs. Raccoon is Sleepy, and Auntie Lisa is Happy, and Auntie Melissa is Basful 'cause . . . . well, just 'cause."

"Sounds good enough to me," Melissa said, nodding.

"What about me?" Bert asked.

"You're Dopey," Forest said.

"What?!" Bert shouted. "Why am I Dopey?!"

"'Cause that's what Gampa said you are," Forest replied.

Everyone else started laughing. Bert groused, but he eventually got over it. Who was he to stifle the creativity of a kindergardener?

"And Gampa can be the Wicked Queen," Forest continued, holding up a drawing of Cyril, as the Wicked Queen. Bert howled with laughter.

"Count me out!" Cyril shouted. "I am _not_ going to wear a dress in front of people! It's a Wicked Queen! Not a Drag Queen!"

"What's a Drag Queen, Daddy?" Forest asked.

"I'll tell you later," Cedric said, dodging that subject as fast as he could.

"Come on, Cyril, be a sport," Ralph said. "It's for Miss Primrose!"

"Oh all right," Cyril grumbled. "But I won't do it unless you make it a Wicked King, Forest!"

"Okay," Forest said, grudgingly. "And the Lloyd-Floyd-Boyds can be the mirror and the hunter man."

"Hunter Pig, you mean," Cyril commented.

"I think this is perfect," Melissa said. "Way to go, Forest!"

"We can hold it at the Blue Spruce," Ralph said. "I'll talk to Schafer about it."

"And I'll write up a script we can work off of," Cedric said. "With Forest's help. Okay, Forest?"

"Okay," Forest said.

"Okay, gang, let's get to work!" Ralph shouted.


	3. The Show Must Go On

A couple of days later, everyone got to work at the Blue Spruce for the play. They sent out invitations to everyone they knew in the Evergreen Forest who ever had Miss Primrose for a teacher. The only person not happy about the whole thing was Boyd, only because he was the only one of the entire group who didn't have a role in the play.

"How come I'm always the odd man out?" he asked.

"Because you're the youngest," Lloyd said. "I can't believe I have to play the stupid mirror."

"Wanna trade?" Boyd asked.

"What? And give up show business?" Lloyd responded.

"I hate being the youngest," Boyd said, and he walked off.

"So how in the world are we gonna do that scene, Boss?" Lloyd asked Cyril as he walked out onto the stage. "I mean, I don't think a Wicked King would go Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all? I mean . . . . I don't think men can be fair . . . . especially not you."

"And what do you mean by that, butcher bait?!" Cyril shouted.

"Uhh, well . . . . . I mean . . . . that is to say . . . ." Lloyd stammered nervously.

"Don't worry about it, Lloyd," Ralph said, putting some tablecloths on the tables. "Cedric's working on it."

"HEADS UP!" Floyd shouted, and an arrow flew across the room and stuck itself to the window. It had a suction cup on the end of it.

"I shot an arrow in the air," he said. "And where it lands, I know not where!"

"Your arrow landed on the glass," Cyril said, yanking the arrow off the wall, and walking up to Floyd. "And if you're not careful, I'll shove it up your . . . ."

"Hi, Gampa," Forest said, as he and Cedric walked into the cafe.

"I hope you weren't going to finish that sentence, Pop," Cedric said.

"Yes, well . . . ." Cyril said. Then he turned to Floyd and stuck the arrow onto his nose. "Just be more careful with these arrows!"

"Yes sir!" Floyd shouted, nasally. Then he walked off.

"I hope you've got a script I can work off of, Cedric," Cyril said.

"Yeah, right here, Pop," Cedric said, handing the script to his father.

"We added a character, too," Forest said.

"Oh, you shouldn't have," Boyd said.

"I had to," Forest said. "I forgot that I needed a story teller. Do you think Uncle Schafer will tell the story for us, Daddy?"

"Sure I will," Schafer said, coming over. "No problem at all, Forest."

"Hmph!" Boyd shouted, and he walked away.

"Okay, let's get down to the rehearsal," Ralph said, putting on his doctor's mirror and a stethoscope.

"Come on, Bert!" Melissa shouted. "You're in this scene!"

"The things I do," Bert said, coming out onto the stage, sporting a dunce cap. The others tried not to laugh.

"Places people!" Forest shouted. "Quiet on the set!"

"Where'd he learn all that Hollywood talk?" Ralph asked.

"This kid is watching too much television," Cyril remarked.

"I said quiet on the set, Gampa!" Forest shouted. "You're not even in this scene! I'm surrounded by idiots."

"Forest Cyril Sneer, don't you talk to me like that!" Cyril shouted. "Show a little respect!"

"But you say that a million times a day, Gampa!" Forest retorted. "Mostly to the Pigs."

"Pop . . . ." Cedric said, giving Cyril a look.

"I know, I know," Cyril grumbled, and he walked off the stage. "Watch what I say in front of the kids."

"Okay, action!" Forest shouted, and the rehearsal was underway.

The gang spent a lot of time going through the script in their spare time as well. Bert was starting to get into playing Dopey.

"Duuuhhh, duuuuhhh, duuuuhhh," he said, walking around the Raccoondominium with his teeth hanging out over his lower lip.

"Bert," Ralph said, trying not to laugh. "Don't you think you're overdoing the Dopey thing?"

"Hey, I'm really getting into the character," Bert said, shrugging. "Duuuuhhhh . . . ."

A couple of days went by. The boys were over at the Blue Spruce setting up scenery for the stage.

"I hope Miss Primrose likes our play," Cedric said. "It should turn out better than the last time we tried to do Snow White!"

"What happened last time?" Schafer asked.

"It was our first school play," Ralph said. "We were doing Snow White, only Melissa was Snow White, Bert was the prince, and Cedric and I were dwarves. Cedric got stage fright and clammed up, Bert was being a complete ham, and he ended up ad libbing a lot, and he ended up falling off the stage. And he couldn't even bring himself to do the kissing scene!"

"Hey, I didn't want to get cooties," Bert said, shrugging.

Schafer, Ralph, Cedric, and George laughed and continued painting the scenery. Elsewhere, Melissa, Nicole, Lisa, and Sophia were working on the costumes.

"I hope this turns out better than the last time we did Snow White," Melissa said.

"What happened?" Sophia asked.

"It was our first school play, and I was Snow White," Melissa said. "Ralph and Cedric were dwarves, and Bert was the prince. He forgot his lines, fell off the stage, and ran screaming from the stage when we got to the kissing scene."

"Do you think we'll be ready by Saturday?" Sophia asked, holding her costume up to her, and looking in the mirror.

"I sink we will," Nicole said. "We've all been rehearsing."

"Some more than others," Melissa commented. "All week, Bert's been walking around the Raccoondominium going 'duuuhhhhh, duuuhhh, duuuuhhhhh,' and it's driving Ralph and me completely crazy!"

"When _doesn't_ Bert drive you and Uncle Ralph completely crazy?" Lisa asked. The others laughed over that one.

Two days later, the group was at the Blue Spruce, rehearsing. Cyril was sitting at one of the tables, going through the script. Even though he said he wouldn't do the darn play if he had to dress up as a woman, he was going to do it anyway. He agreed to do the old hag routine with the poison apple. He was reading through that scene holding the apple, and absent-mindedly munching on it as he read the script.

"Hey, Cyril," Bert said, coming over. "Shake a leg. We need to rehearse the poison apple scene."

"All right, already," Cyril said, standing up. Then he walked over to the stage. "Ready when you are, C.B."

"Who's C.B.?" Forest asked, climbing into Bert's lap.

"That's just your grandpa being silly," Bert said. "Okay, Mr. Director. Let's get this show on the road."

"Action!" Forest shouted.

Cyril stooped over slightly (trying to give the impression that he was an old hag), and walked over to the window Ralph and George had built, especially for this scene. Cyril knocked on the window, and Sophia opened it.

"Hello there, dearie," Cyril said, in somewhat of a high-pitched voice, in order to at least _try_ to sound like an old woman. "Care to buy an apple?"

"What apple?" Sophia asked. Cyril stood up straight and glared at her.

"That's not in the script!" he shouted. "What do you mean what apple?!"

"Uhh, Cyril?" Bert asked. "You might want to take a look at that apple."

Cyril looked down at the apple he was holding, and realized there was nothing left except the core. The others started laughing.

"Better make a note of that, Bert," Schafer said. "Get a fake apple for the play. That way Cyril won't eat it before we need it."

"Very funny," Cyril said, and he stalked off the stage.

Saturday finally rolled around, and the Blue Spruce Cafe was packed. Miss Primrose walked in, and took a seat right in front of the stage. The group had reserved it just for her.

"How's the crowd look out there, Bert?" Ralph asked.

"Full house," Bert said. "And Miss Primrose is front and center!"

"It's almost show time!" Melissa shouted. "Are you ready, Boyd?"

"Hmph," Boyd grumbled. "I'm ready. All I'm doing is raising the curtain."

"Well, _some_body had to do it!" Lloyd replied.

Schafer walked out onto the stage, and tapped the microphone. There was a little feedback, but not much. Schafer stood there and cleared his throat.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said. "It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you, Snow White and the Seven Raccoons. Before we begin the play, I'd like to introduce to you all the author and director of our show, Forest Sneer."

The audience applauded as Forest took the stage. He stepped up to the microphone, looked up, and then looked at Schafer.

"Uncle Schafer, I can't reach the thingy," he said.

"Sorry, Forest," Schafer said. He took the microphone off the stand, and handed it to Forest.

"Hi," Forest said into the microphone. "This is my play, Snow White and the Seven Raccoons. I called it that because I know seven raccoons and it works. My mommy Sophia plays Snow White and my daddy Cedric is the prince, and my gampa Cyril is the Wicked King. It would've been a wicked queen, but Gampa didn't want to dress up like a queen. He did agree to dress up as the wicked witch, though, so that's good. This play is for Miss Primrose who is tiring."

"_Re_tiring, Forest," Cedric corrected from backstage.

"That too," Forest said. "Miss Primrose was my daddy's favorite teacher, and also my gampa's favorite teacher, and Uncle Ralph's and Auntie Melissa's and Uncle Bert's favorite teacher, too, so they wanted to do something special for her, but they didn't know what, so I wrote a play. Well, actually, I drawed it because I dunno how to write yet. I start school in September, so I'll probably learn then. My daddy wrote the play, but I told him what to write. I hope you all like it. Thank you."

Forest put the microphone on the floor, and walked off the stage. The audience applauded. Schafer put the microphone back in it's place, and took the stand over to the side of the stage.

"And now, without further ado," he said. "Snow White and the Seven Raccoons. Once upon a time, there lived a king in a large castle."


	4. Act 1

The curtain opened to reveal Cyril standing in front of his "mirror" (which was just Lloyd standing behind a frame with a piece of plexiglas stuck in it).

"Mirror, mirror on the wall," Cyril said. "Who's the richest king of all?"

"You are! You are!" Lloyd shouted. "Of course you are!"

"You'd better believe it! And who's the most powerful king of all?"

"You of course! No doubt about it!"

"Great! Great! Life just doesn't get any better than this! I'm the richest person in the kingdom, right?"

"Right."

"I'm also the most powerful person in the kingdom, right?"

"Right."

"And therefore, I must be the most adored person in the entire kingdom! Everyone loves me, right?"

"Uhh . . . . wrong."

Cyril stopped, and turned towards Lloyd. He did not look very happy.

"Wrong?" he repeated. "What do you mean wrong?!"

"Well, I hate to burst your bubble," Lloyd said. "But . . . . everyone _doesn't_ love you. They all love . . . . Snow White."

"Snow _What_?!"

"Uhh, Snow _White_, sir. _Every_body loves her."

"What's this Snow White dame got that I haven't got?"

"Well, she's kind, caring, sweet, gentle, fair . . . . and she's gotta body that just won't quit! Whoo hoo!"

Cyril shot Lloyd a dirty look. Obviously, that line was _not_ in the script. But he let it pass, and continued on with the play.

"I'll show that girl," Cyril said. "No one will be more adored than me! It's undemocratic!"

Cyril stalked off the stage, and the curtain closed. The audience applauded. A few moments later, the curtain opened again. Cyril was sitting on his throne, and Floyd was kneeling in front of him.

"Huntspig, I have a question for you," Cyril said. "Ever hear of a dame called Snow White?"

"Oh sure!" Floyd shouted. "She's the sweetest, kindest, fairest, dearest, friendliest girl in the entire kingdom! Everybody loves her!"

"Good, good. Kill her."

Floyd looked up at Cyril, wide-eyed with shock.

"I can't do that!" he shouted. "She's just so lovable!"

"I don't care what she is!" Cyril yelled. "Everyone in the kingdom loves her more than they love me! I'm king around here! I'm the one who's supposed to be adored by all! Not this crazy dame! Take her out into the woods and kill her."

"But, sir . . . . . I don't know if I can . . . ."

"Let me put it to you another way, Huntspig. Either you kill Snow White, or _I'll_ kill _you_!"

"Uhh, since you put it that way, sir . . . . one dead Snow White coming up!"

Floyd raced off the stage in a panic. Cyril smiled sneakily, and rubbed his hands together, laughing under his breath. The audience applauded, and the curtain closed. When the curtain opened again, there was a backdrop painted to look like a field. Sophia came on stage, and she began picking flowers from a prop bush the group had come up with. Floyd was right behind her, carrying a prop knife. Nervously, Floyd walked over to her, holding up the knife. Sophia turned around, saw Floyd ready to stab her, and gasped. Floyd then dropped the knife, and threw himself onto the ground.

"I can't do it!" he sobbed, as he banged his fists and kicked his legs. "I just can't do it! Waahhh-haaaahhh-haaahhh-haaahhhhh!"

"Do what?" Sophia asked.

"Oh, Snow White, please, please, please, _please_ forgive me!" Floyd blubbered. "I don't want to do it! I really don't! But it's the king! He wants me to kill you!"

"Kill me?!" Sophia shouted, incredulously. "But why?"

"He's jealous. Everyone in the kingdom loves you, and the king wants everyone in the kingdom to love him. He thinks if he killed you, he'd be the most loved person in the kingdom. And if I don't kill you, he'll kill me! There's only one way out of this!"

"What's that?"

"Run away! Run far into the forest and never come back!"

Sophia then ran off the stage, towards the wings. Floyd ran in the opposite direction.

"I'm getting out here while the getting's good!" he shouted. "And what the king doesn't know what hurt me!"

Once the stage was clear, Boyd brought down the curtain again, and the audience applauded. When the curtain opened again, there was what looked like the interior of a cottage. The cottage of the seven Raccoons to be exact, and it was a mess. The audience heard a door open, and Sophia walked onto the stage, looking around.

"Hello?" she asked. "Is anyone home? I'm sorry to intrude like this, but I'm lost, and I need a place to stay for the night."

Sophia walked inside the house, and looked around at the mess. She began to pick the strewn clothes off the floor and furniture. Once she got all the clothes in a pile, she took a nearby broom, and began sweeping the floor.

"Whoever lives here must not have time to clean," she said. "Maybe they'll let me stay here if I cook and clean for them."

Sophia cleaned up the stage, and then yawned and stretched.

"Oh, am I sleepy!" she shouted. "I hope whoever lives here won't mind if I use their beds."

The curtain came down as Sophia exited the stage. It opened again a few moments later to a forest scene. The Seven Raccoons walked in, singing "Heigh Ho" from the Disney version of "Snow White," when Bert suddenly stopped. Ralph ran into him, Melissa ran into Ralph, Lisa ran into Melissa, Nicole ran into Lisa, George ran into Nicole, and Bentley ran into George.

"What did you stop for, Dopey?" Ralph asked.

"Duuuuhhhh," Bert said. "I forgot where we live!"

"We live that way!" both Lisa and Bentley shouted in unison, but they were pointing in different directions.

"I hope we find out which way soon," Nicole said, yawning. "It's time for my nap!"

"And I'm catching a cold," George said. "Ah-choo!"

"I know where we live," Melissa said, quietly.

"Where?" Ralph asked.

"I'm too bashful to say," Melissa said.

"Duhhh, I know!" Bert shouted. "Let's follow the Yellow Brick Road!"

"That's in the Wizard of Oz!" Bentley shouted, sounding irritated.

"Never mind," Ralph said. "Let me get in front, and I'll lead the way home. Come on, everybody. Heigh ho, heigh ho!"

The Raccoons then marched off stage, still singing "Heigh Ho." The curtain closed. When it opened again, the set revealed the interior of the Seven Raccoons' cottage. The Raccoons looked around at their now clean house in shock.

"Hey!" Bert shouted. "What happened to our mess?!"

"Do you guys think someone broke into our house?" Melissa asked.

"Only one way to find out," Ralph said. "Upstairs, everybody!"

The Seven Raccoons raced off the stage, and the curtain came down. It opened again, to a bedroom. There were seven beds in the room, and someone was occupying four of them.

"Hey, someone's been sleeping in our beds!" Bert shouted. "Maybe it's Goldilocks!"

"Shhh!" Ralph whispered. "I'll find out what it is. Cover me."

"Maybe it's a ghost," Melissa said.

"I hope not," George said. "I'm allergic to ghoohh . . . . ghoooohhh . . . . ahhhh . . . . aaaahhhh . . . ."

The other six Raccoons practically pounced on George to stop him from sneezing.

"Don't sneeze!" Lisa warned. "You'll wake it up, whatever it is!"

"Yeah, Sneezy, you want to get us killed?" Bentley asked. "Let's kill it before it can kill us!"

The Seven Raccoons tiptoed over to the bed, and pulled the blanket away from what they figured was a monster sleeping in their beds. They stopped short when they found Sophia there.

"Zat's not a monster," Nicole said. "It's a girl."

"What's she doing sleeping in our beds?" Bentley asked.

"Maybe she was sleepy," Nicole said.

"I thought _you_ were Sleepy," Bert said.

Sophia yawned just then, sat up, and stretched. She looked at the Seven Raccoons, a little surprised. The Raccoons looked a little surprised themselves.

"Uhh, hello there," Ralph said, stepping forward.

"Hello," Sophia said.

"Who are you and what are you doing in our house?" Bentley asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Sophia said. "I didn't mean to intrude. My name's Snow White."

"Snow White!" the Seven Raccoons shouted in unison.

"Gee, imagine that," Melissa said. "Snow White in our house!"

"But what are you doing here?" Ralph asked. "Don't you live on the other side of the forest?"

"Yes, but if I go back, he'll kill me," Sophia said.

"Who will?" Lisa asked.

"The king," Sophia said. "He doesn't even know I'm here. Please, if you let me stay here, I'll keep house for you. I'll do the cooking, and the cleaning, and everything."

"Conference!" Ralph shouted, and the Raccoons got into a huddle, and mumbled a bit. Then they broke out of their huddle.

"Circumstances being what they are," Ralph said. "You're welcome to stay here for as long as you like."

The stage lights went down, and the curtain closed. The audience applauded, and Schafer took center stage for a moment.

"There will now be a brief intermission," he said.


	5. Act 2

Once the intermission was over, the curtain went up again, this time in the king's throne room. Cyril was sitting on the throne, drumming his fingers on the armrest.

"That stupid hunk of bacon!" he shouted. "He should be back by now! How long does it take to kill one skinny girl?!"

Cyril got up and stormed over to his mirror, banging on it like a door.

"Hey, you in the mirror!" he yelled. "Look alive!"

"Yes sir! Yes sir!" Lloyd shouted, standing at attention.

"Spill it, mirror. Where is that stupid Huntspig?! Did he kill Snow White, or what?!"

"Weeeelllll . . . . remember you said if he didn't kill Snow White, you'd kill him?"

"Yes?"

"Well, he left the kingdom. He didn't do the job, so . . . . he split."

"WHAT?! Snow White's still alive! Why that stupid . . . . when I get my hands on him, I'll turn him into a ham sandwich! But first things first. I have to take care of Snow White! Where is she now, Mirror?"

"Uh well . . . ."

"Tell me right now or I'll smash you to smithereens!"

"She's in a cottage in the woods with Seven Raccoons!"

"Raccoons?! Why is it _always_ Raccoons?! No matter. I have bigger fish to fry."

Cyril left the stage, and the curtain closed. It opened again shortly thereafter, revealing what looked like a laboratory. Cyril walked onto the stage, and began looking through a large book.

"I've got to find something in here that will get rid of that dame," he grumbled. "But what will do the trick without backfiring on me? Let's see here . . . . . ah ha! That's it! The Sleeping Death! A poisoned apple! Perfect! All she has to do is take one teensy little bite, and she'll sleep forever!"

Cyril then got to work mixing the ingredients he needed for his potion. Once he finished with it, he dipped an apple in it, and it turned a bright red.

"Looks good enough to eat," he said, cackling. Then he went back to his book. "Now let me see . . . . there _may_ be an antidote. I'd better not leave anything to chance. Let's see here . . . . the victim of the sleeping death can only be awakened by love's first kiss. Love's first kiss? Yeeccchhhh! But I'm not worried about that. Those stupid Raccoons will think she's dead, and they'll bury her alive! And then _I'll_ be the most loved person by all! With Snow White gone, they'll _have_ to adore me! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

The curtain closed while Cyril was cackling like a mad man. When it opened again, it revealed the exterior of the Seven Raccoons' cottage. Sophia was standing at the window while the Seven Raccoons were leaving for their mine.

"Now remember, Snow White," Ralph said. "Don't let anyone in. And don't take anything from anyone, either. You never know when it might be that wicked king."

"Don't worry," Sophia said. "I'll be careful."

"Okay, everybody!" Ralph called to the other Raccoons. "Let's get to work! Heigh ho, heigh ho!"

The Raccoons were off, singing "Heigh Ho" as they went. Sophia closed the window. A few moments later, Cyril appeared on the stage wearing a black cloak, hood, and long, gray wig. He was carrying a basket of apples. Once he saw the Raccoons had left, he snickered, and walked up to the window. He knocked on it, and waited.

"Who is it?" Sophia asked.

"Just a harmless old peddler lady," Cyril said, in somewhat of a high pitched voice. "Would you be so kind as to let me in?"

"Oh, please don't think I'm being rude or anything," Sophia said. "But I promised my friends I wouldn't let anyone in."

"Well, then dearie, I'll stay right out here. Why don't you open the window?"

"Well . . . . I suppose that will be all right."

Sophia opened the window. Cyril smirked and put the basket on the sill.

"Now then, my dear," he said. "Would you care to buy an apple? These are the best apples in the kingdom. Just look at this little beauty right here."

Cyril took the big, red apple out of his basket and held it up so Sophia could see it.

"Oh, what a beautiful apple," Sophia said. "It looks so delicious."

"It does, doesn't it?" Cyril said. "Go on, have a bite. I insist!"

"Well . . . . I promised my friends I wouldn't take anything from strangers."

"Oh, come now, dearie! You wouldn't think a little old lady like me would do any harm, do you?"

"Well . . . . I guess not . . . . and that apple looks so tempting."

"Then go on, my dear, go on. Have a bite."

Sophia took the apple from Cyril, and bit into it. Suddenly, she began to feel a little strange.

"What's happening?" she asked. "I feel so . . . . so . . . ."

Sophia didn't get to finish that sentence before she fell to the floor. Cyril took off the hood, threw his wig to the floor, and cackled madly.

"At last!" he shouted. "Now those silly peasants will have do adore me, now that there precious Snow White is gone! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

The curtain came down as Cyril was cackling. A few moments later, the curtain opened again, and it revealed the interior of the Raccoons' cottage. Sophia was laying on the floor with the apple beside her. The Raccoons came in from off stage, singing "Heigh Ho," when Bert suddenly stopped. Once again, Ralph ran into him, Melissa ran into Ralph, Lisa ran into Melissa, Nicole ran into Lisa, George ran into Nicole, and Bentley ran into George.

"Would you stop doing that, Dopey?!" Ralph shouted.

"Duuhhh, look over there!" Bert shouted. "It's Snow White!"

"Stand back!" Ralph shouted. "I'll handle this."

Ralph walked over to Sophia, and put his stethoscope to her chest. He moved it around a little, and then turned to the other Raccoons.

"Either my stethoscope has stopped working," he said. "Or she has! No, I'm afraid it's no use."

"You mean she's . . . . ." Bert said, hesitantly. "_Phhhhttt_?"

"_Phhhttt_?" Bentley repeated.

"Uhhh, without mincing words, yes," Ralph said, a little confused at Bert's ad-libbing.

"Aawwww," Bert said, pouting. "Poor Snow White. Waaaahhhhh!"

The other six Raccoons began crying as well, and the curtain came down. It came back up again in a forest scene, where the Seven Raccoons were gathered around a coffin of sorts, and Sophia was lying in it.

"We told her not to let anyone in," Bentley said. "And look what happened!"

"The Wicked King must have tricked her somehow," Ralph said.

"We shouldn't have left her alone," Melissa said. "It's our fault."

As the Seven Raccoons cried over Snow White, Cedric entered the stage, and approached the Raccoons.

"What's going on?" he asked. He looked inside the coffin, and stared at Sophia for several seconds.

"She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," he said, finally.

"To you maybe," Bert said, shrugging. "But then again, you two _are_ the same species."

"Bert, that's _not_ in the script!" Ralph hissed.

"A little ad-libbing never hurt anyone, Ralph!" Bert protested.

"Is she asleep?" Cedric asked. "What happened?"

"It's awful, just awful!" Lisa shouted. "And it's all our fault, too!"

"We shouldn't have left her alone," George said.

"Do you think you could tell me about her?" Cedric asked. "I think I'd have liked to known her."

"Well, for starters, her name is Snow White," Ralph said. "She was running from a wicked king and stumbled into our cottage."

"And the wicked king found her," Bentley said. "And he tricked her into eating a poisoned apple, and, well . . . ."

The Raccoons all started crying again. Cedric stood by the coffin, and looked at Sophia. The Raccoons could tell he was in love with her (only in fairy tales can this happen, folks).

"I wish we could have met sooner, Snow White," Cedric said, leaning over her. "I can tell you were a sweet, kind, and caring girl. "

Cedric bent down, and kissed Sophia. Then he took a couple of steps back. Suddenly, Sophia opened her eyes, sat up, and stretched. Cedric and the Raccoons just stared. Sophia looked at Cedric, and sighed.

"My prince," she said, dreamily.

"I knew it!" Bert shouted. "I knew it!"

"You knew what?" Bentley asked.

"Well, today's Sunday, right?" Bert asked

"Yeah?" Ralph said.

"So . . . ." Bert went on, then he started singing. "Sunday her prince will come! La, la, la-dah, dah, dah . . . ."

"Oh brother," Melissa groaned. That was another line _not_ in the script. The others didn't pay any attention to Bert singing his rendition of "Someday My Prince Will Come" (well, he was really just singing a series of "la-dah's"). Cedric got down on one knee and took Sophia's hand.

"Snow White, I've been searching far and wide for a girl as fair and as beautiful as you," he said. "Will you be my princess, and live happily ever after with me at my castle?"

"Oh, yes!" Sophia shouted, and she and Cedric hugged each other.

"I love happy endings," Lisa said.

"I hate happy endings!" Bentley shouted. And the curtain went down.

"But that isn't the end of our tale," Schafer said. "After Snow White agreed to marry the Prince, the two of them, along with the Seven Raccoons, went to the Prince's castle, and arrangements were made for the wedding. And then, they decided that it would be the perfect setting to play a little trick on the Wicked King."

Schafer stepped backstage, and the curtain opened up. Cyril was standing at his mirror. He banged on it for a moment.

"Rise and shine, mirror!" he shouted. "I've got a question for you!"

"Good morning, Starshine," Lloyd said.

"Can it, you canned ham!" Cyril shouted. "Word has it that there's this big shindig going on over at another kingdom."

"Oh . . . . well, yes. Yes, that's true. There is."

"Mmm hmm. And how come _I_ wasn't invited? Don't they know that all powerful kings are the first on the guest list?!"

"Well . . . . errrmmm . . . . . maybe your invitation got lost in the mail or something like that."

"You don't actually expect me to buy that, do you?!"

"Okay, uhh, let's give the truth a whirl . . . . . the party who's throwing the party . . . . didn't invite you on purpose. They didn't want you to ruin the party."

"What?! Oh brother. I'm going to check this out for myself!"

The curtain came down. Boyd brought it back up a few moments later, where Cedric, Sophia, and the Seven Raccoons were gathered in a palace of sorts. As they were celebrating the wedding of Snow White and the prince, Cyril walked onto the stage, and looked around for a minute.

"All right," he said. "Who are the wise guys who think I'm gonna ruin this party?"

Cyril then saw Cedric and Sophia, and just stared. His jaw nearly hit the floor.

"Snow White?!" he shouted. "But she . . . . but I . . . . but she . . . . but you . . . . but . . . but . . . . ah heh. Ah heh, heh. Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Eeeehhhhhh . . . ."

And with that, Cyril fell to the floor in a faint. Cedric, Sophia, and the Seven Raccoons stared at him, and then they glanced at each other, and shrugged. Then they went back to celebrating. The curtain closed, and Schafer came back out on stage.

"And so, Snow White, the Prince, and the Seven Raccoons all lived happily ever after," he said. "The end."

* * *

_It's the end of the play, NOT the end of the story, folks!_


	6. Epilogue

The curtain opened again, and the entire cast came out to take their bows. Bert, Ralph, and Cedric walked off the stage, and guided Miss Primrose up to it. The audience, as well as the cast, began to applaud for her.

"Say a few words, Miss Primrose!" Bentley shouted.

"Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!" Bert chanted.

"Well, I don't know what to say, really," Miss Primrose said. "Except that I really enjoyed the play, and I'd like to thank all of my former students here for their hard work."

Everyone applauded. Miss Primrose left the stage, and sat back down at her table. The cast and crew of the play followed. Schafer went into the kitchen and returned with a large cake. Written on the cake were the words "Happy Retirement, Miss Primrose." Bert stood up in his chair, and led the house in a chorus of "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow."

"Which nobody can denyyyyyy!" Bert warbled, hitting an extreme high note, which resulted in him falling off the chair and hitting the floor.

"Ow!" he shouted. The others laughed.

"So how are you going to be spending your time now that you're retired?" Ralph asked.

"Well, I've thought a lot about this," Miss Primrose said. "And I've decided to take on a part time position at the school. I'll be teaching morning kindergarden."

"Yaaayyy!" Forest cheered. "I'm in morning kindergarden, and now I get to have the same teacher Daddy and Gampa and Uncle Bert and Uncle Ralph and Auntie Melissa had!"

"Looks like you're over your case of First Day of Schoolitis, Forest," Lisa commented.

"Well, maybe I'm still a little scared," Forest said. Then he jumped out of his chair, and climbed into Miss Primrose's lap. "But I don't think it'll be so bad anymore."

"You'll see, Forest," Miss Primrose said. "I think you'll really enjoy Evergreen Elementary."

"Hey, I thought you said you were too old to keep up with the students!" Bert shouted.

"I know," Miss Primrose said. "But after you all left, I got to thinking about what you said about the school not being the same without me, and my life won't be the same without the school. So, I decided, while I couldn't keep up with the students full time, a part time position would be perfect."

"I know exactly what you mean," Cyril said. "Retirement wasn't for me, either."

"Yeah, one day, we're gonna find him stone cold at his desk with his phone at his ear," Bert said.

Everyone laughed at that. Except Cyril.

"One more crack like that, and you'll end up being sold as a coat," he grumbled.

And so ended another typical day in the Evergreen Forest.

The End

_NOTE: Sorry for the cop out ending, gang. I had to finish it, and I didn't know how else to finish it! If anyone has any better ideas, let me know!_


End file.
